Mom and the Monitor

Last week my 84 year old mom went for a regular checkup and while her blood pressure was fine, the doctor felt her heart was beating a bit too fast. He recommended she wear a heart monitor for a day so he could figure out whether or not she needed a pacemaker. I know this is not typically a funny subject, but with Mom there is always some humor somewhere.

So Mom had the monitor put on today. I called to see how she was doing and she was so funny. First she complained she had wires coming out everywhere and then she complained that a nurse practitioner had taken care of her, not the “REAL” doctor. Anyway, she said she was given a report she was to fill in, documenting her day and whatever she was doing. She said she even had to record bathroom trips which she found very intrusive.

I asked her what she had written down and it was all the normal stuff – washing dishes, making dinner etc. So, I told her to spice things up. I figured she could entertain the doctor and his staff. Here’s what we came up with:

9:00a.m. While taking out the garbage, decided to wash the car, wax it and put the snow tires on.

10:00a.m. Mailman comes to door with package – invited him in for sex and cookies.

12:00p.m. Climbed up on roof to fix a stray shingle. While up there, decided to clean gutters, too.

1:00p.m. Took a jog downtown (4miles), had 3 donuts and jogged home.

3:00p.m. Plumber comes to fix the faucet – he is really cute (looks like Dean Martin which to Mom is FAB), had sex with him too.

5:00p.m. Quick trip to Victoria’s Secret at the mall – no secret here. Bought some new lingerie since the guy that shovels my snow (Vern) will be coming soon.

8:00p.m. Watched finale of “Dancing With The Stars”-very happy Donny Osmond won.

Well you get the idea. Hopefully Mom will be OK and will keep on being the wonderful Mom she has always been. Who knew she was so racy???