Mom's Latest Crazy Talk

I am beginning to be a firm believer in the fact that growing old can make a person more critical (dare I say MEAN) and certainly rude, if comical at the same time. I know volumes have been written about the dynamics of mothers and daughters and mothers and sons etc. but I have my very own special take on this via my own mom, who, since the age of 60 has been telling me “she can say whatever she wants, no matter how rude because she is old.” Well, now she is 87 so that means we have all put up with 27 years of crazy.

Here are a few of her latest - I am typing these quotes in caps since she is hard of hearing and everything is delivered in a shout no matter where we are.

She is having a conversation with me over lunch - ‘WHEN DID YOUR TEETH GET SO CROOKED?

WHY DON’T YOU GET A REAL HAIRSTYLE AND WHY IS YOU HAIR SO THIN? The response to this is simple - I get my terrible hair from HER!

In the massively crowded Denver airport where we are in the waiting area seated next to a family with twin girls - “THOSE ARE THE UGLIEST TWINS I HAVE EVER SEEN AND WORSE YET THERE ARE TWO OF THEM.”

Continuing, before I could wheel her away - “AND THEIR NAMES ARE STUPID TOO.”

About my sister and me as we walked in front of her in Las Vegas “NEITHER ONE OF THOSE TWO GIRLS HAS PRETTY LEGS LIKE MINE.”

About the Food Network of which she is an avid viewer - “WHY DO THEY ALL MAKE SO MUCH FISH CRAP AND MEXICAN CRAP?”

And my favorite of Mom’s crazy talk on the subject of Jennifer Aniston when she was all over the news whining (according to Mom) about Brad Pitt leaving her-“SHE MAKES MY ASS TIRED.”

And there you go, another aspect of my always entertaining MOM.

Love You Forever, A Mother's Day Tribute

I am sure most of you out there have read the very beautiful and moving book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. It was originally published in 1986 when my son was 9. I purchased one a number of years later and recently found it when I was pulling from storage many of the books I had kept from when my children were young. Andy and his family were coming for a visit and I wanted their son Jackson to be able to see his daddy’s childhood favorites as well as share it with Adrienne and her son when they visit in June.

I had forgotten what an emotional tale this was and I also discovered I had written Andy a note on every page reminding him how much I loved him like the mother in the book loved her son. To say I became tearful as I read the words I wrote 25 years ago is an understatement.

The story follows a baby boy from birth into his adult years when he has his own family. His mother goes into his room at night, and when she is sure he is asleep, she takes him from his bed and rocks him in her arms while she sings “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

Throughout the book the author mentions all the funny stages little boys go through from the terrible twos, messy sports and the crazy teenage years. All through these stages, she still creeps into his room and sings him the song as he sleeps. Finally he is grown and married and she is elderly and ill and she calls him for help. He comes to see her, picks her up in his arms and sings the same song. When he returns home later that night, he picks up his own newborn child and sings her the same lyrics. I wish I could express how touching the story is. The illustrations by Sheila McGraw are lovely and add so much to each page.

My wonderful mother turned 87 in March and someday when she needs help all five of her beloved children will rush to be there. We all know how incredibly blessed we are to have had her this long and for her to be able to still live alone, drive, cook, attend meetings, go to lunch with her friends (by the way she LOVES the Olive Garden) and just be so healthy. Mom still says the funniest things, although often times she doesn’t mean to be funny. She gets all dressed up for appointments, has her hair done every Friday and for very special events gets a pedicure with “diamonds” glued onto her toes, with the polish always a bright, happy pink.

Very soon in early June, our family will all be celebrating the marriage of my niece, Stephanie to her husband-to-be Morgan. We will be traveling to Colorado for a great time and of course, Mom is coming. As this is a very special event, you can bet the pedicure is already scheduled and Mom’s suitcase is open on the guest room bed a month early all ready to be packed!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you and especially to you Mom. We will all “love you forever.” If any of you have not read Love You Forever you must, because remember Becky Knows Everything!

Mom Goes to Greece

No, of course Mom didn’t go to Greece, but she did go to the Detroit version of it, Greek Town. This is a true hotspot for the gambling gang which is mom and her buddies.

Once again she got up at 5 a.m. even though the bus doesn’t leave Lorain until 8 (it’s called anticipation and excitement). Her pal Olga is the leader of the pack so Mom got a good seat in the front of the bus. Apparently these are prized seats and since Olga and her brother Bobo (yes for you non-believers these are their real names) are the trip organizers, Mom always get to ride up front. There are a lot of perks to this friendship – Olga is in charge of the FOOD too and since they do a lot of eating, this is a great thing.

Before they even pull out of Lorain for the 3 hour drive, they are served coffee and doughnuts. Is this the smartest thing for a bunch of old people with bladder issues to be doing? I ask myself this every time. Then, midway there, they are served chips and fruit. They arrive and after only a bit of casino gambling they are off to the GRAND BUFFET which costs the whopping price of $12.99. They all get discount coupons from Olga so it is only $9, (about the price of a glass of wine for me in a restaurant). Since Mom only eats a tiny bit of food and they won’t let you carryout, it really isn’t that much of a bargain for her.

NOW THE IMPORTANT NEWS— MOM WINS BIG. When she tells me how much she won later that evening I am skeptical since she practices what we all call “Mom Math” which means she only tells us her winnings and not how many twenty dollar bills she takes out of her purse during the day. But this time she was incredibly lucky and had a great day. Thank goodness because if she loses and you win, things can get a bit ugly.

At 6 p.m. after a full day of gambling, they all board the bus to go back home. Olga serves her very own potato chip casserole on the bus and they all travel along in peace with Mom in the front counting her money. All is well with the world.

Mom's Excellent Adventure

A few weeks ago my 86 year old mother began her “excellent adventure.” She traveled to San Francisco to visit Bonnie and her family. Bonnie made all the plans and set to precision all the variables: how to get Mom to the airport, wheelchair access, credentials for me to walk her to the gate, Bonnie’s daughters home for their break from college, etc., etc. Of course the biggest variable of all was Mom’s ability to go that far from home and stay with Bonnie for 9 days. But she did it and I wanted to share with you the funny stuff.

Crazy Stuff Mom did on the Trip

1. The night before the trip I traveled to Lorain to spend the night at Mom’s so I could take her to the airport – she had a 9:00 a.m. flight (which of course means we left her house at 5:30 for the 35 minute drive). Mom had a productive day and by that I mean she had her hair done and a pedicure, complete with jewel inserts. I arrived in Lorain to find her in 17 degree weather wearing flip flops to protect her new toe look. We go to dinner where Mom bites down on a crunchy baguette and cracks the cap on her front tooth. I am thinking this is now Bonnie’s problem.

2. We get to the airport easily and stand in line to check her bag (none of that leaving it at the curb – she is convinced it won’t get to the proper place). We also get her boarding pass, a wheelchair and an escort pass for me. Our wheelchair attendant was Elizabeth and Mom whispered to ask me what her tip should be. When I said $5.00, Mom choked.

3. OK she is off. I wait at the gate until the plane backs up. Bonnie safely gets her at the other end in San Fran. Bonnie promptly takes her to lunch since she is apparently going to die if she doesn’t eat lunch no matter what time zone she is in.

4. She announces to Bonnie she has a broken cap and won’t go to a dentist. I didn’t realize she had so few teeth and uses her front teeth to chew, like a squirrel…so now Bonnie has to figure out how to feed her soft foods for the next 9 days. Sorry Bonnie.

5. Bonnie lives in Modesto and has a fab new house with its own pool house/guest cottage, so Mom opts to stay there and I am thinking Bonnie is one lucky girl since Mom can do what she wants out there and not drive anyone too nuts. Mom is skittish about meeting Bonnie’s dog, Dodger but all goes well since he is a cutie pie.

6. Bonnie calls me and says she has to make “Snaggle Tooth” a different soup each day as that is pretty much all she can eat. She makes French onion, potato leek, tomato, etc.

7. Bonnie takes her to a casino where she wins $338 using “Mom Math” which she means she only counts her winnings, not the money she spent betting. Mom is thrilled and I say “good thing!” as Mom is very cranky when someone wins other than herself.

8. Mom tells Bonnie she figures she is “healthy from the head down but not so hot from the head up.” I mean she is deaf, has one bad eye and we won’t discuss her hair. Her mind is still very sharp though and with her foot troubles from her diabetes I think she is healthier up than down and so does Bonnie. (Her ears are really getting huge, so that would be a negative on the head up theory).

9. The funniest thing that happened though is the photo Bonnie sent me of herself and Mom wearing the same dress. She titled it “Bitch Stole My Look” from the Joan River’s Fashion Police show (if you have never seen this you must watch – it is hysterical). They both own the same dress and are looking so cute, much like my Tete Menka and her daughter Vivian who wore the same clothes until Tete passed away at 80 some years old. Pretty sure Bon is not going to make this a trend.

10. Bonnie travels with Mom back to Cleveland and spends a few days there, finding a good dentist, a podiatrist and buys her a new toaster. That Bonnie is one great daughter and sister. Mom is home and couldn’t wait to tell all her friends about her “excellent adventure.”

86 and Driving 4 More Years

Well, here you go – Mom’s birthday is coming up in early March and last week she went to take her driving test as her license was expiring. Guess what? The streets of Northern Ohio better look out because Mom passed her eye exam and she is cleared for ANOTHER FOUR YEARS.

This means Mom can drive until she is NINETY YEARS OLD. She was so excited to tell me her good news. Mom has a hearing problem and “one bad eye” as she puts it, but the state of Ohio apparently thought she had the talent to renew her license. Of course, there is no actual driving test with the parallel parking bit that gave me fits at 16, but she did have to pass the eye exam.

A few months ago she finally asked her doctor for a handicapped sticker for her car since her ability to walk long distances is failing, but boy, she held out as long as she could. She has new plans now – she is going all the way out to San Francisco to visit my sister, she has ANOTHER ladies group to lunch with and who cares if all her friends have health problems –dementia, heart disease to name a few. She prays for them, visits them and then off she goes to the hairdresser, lunch appointments, the Moose Lodge for bingo and doughnuts, all the while keeping her sense of humor intact.

Just one word of caution – don’t be calling Mom on a Saturday night at 7, the Lawrence Welk Show is on and there is no answering the phone for her.

I know our family is so blessed to have Mom and we really are so thankful for her. May all of you with elderly Moms have the good fortune we have!

A Moose Thanksgiving

I know I just wrote about Mom and her social whirl but I spoke to her yesterday and she had just attended the Thanksgiving event at her club, The Moose. This happens every year, the Thursday before the holiday. Everyone brings a dish and they all share a meal.

So, I said “Mom, how was it?” She said, “As always, a load of crappy food, but the ham was good and they gave you a big slice.” So there you go – no turkey but a nice big slice of ham. Mom took cranberry salad but only after I told her to make something. Her original idea was to buy a can of jellied sauce and put it in a glass bowl. Like that’s going to fool someone. So she made her salad – everyone liked it but she said the sweet potatoes were a weird brown color and the pumpkin pie was not cooked in the middle and that was crappy as well. And of course no REAL whipped cream. Mom better get used to that – in Cincinnati next week she will be having Cool Whip with her pie.

Speaking of Cincinnati, my family is gathering there next week including both the new grandbabies and their parents and Mom, too. Our dear friends have offered us their house on a lake and I have been going nuts trying to please everyone and organize everything – meals for 8 adults and 2 babies etc. etc. It’s almost like planning Adrienne’s wedding all over again.

Anyway, I am so stressed out I did something crazy today. I was in a dressing room in the mall and looked down and saw I was wearing TWO DIFFERENT SHOES!!! And one of them, the cheetah flat is part of a really old pair I only wear out to the mailbox or to sweep the porch (I don’t ever actually sweep the porch but I do wear them outside).

Have a wonderful thanksgiving, filled with cooked pies, a nice turkey and SHOES THAT MATCH. Blessings to all of you.

Mom and Alice

Well, many of you have asked for more on Mom and here is another fun story. As you can imagine, Mom has lost many of her friends and family – she is after all 85 and many of her cronies are not blessed with her great genetics and good health.

Anyway, since her sister-in-law and pal is now in an assisted living place, Mom has been spending more time with an old friend, Alice. Alice had a large family like ours and we have known them for years. Currently Mom and Alice have “re-discovered” each other and have been spending a lot of fun time together.

On Friday’s they go for “fish” at our local Slovak home. This is after all, Lorain, the land of nationalities that each year sponsors a “princess” in the annual International Day Parade. No, I was never a princess but my sister Bonnie sure was the Macedonian Princess of 1975. Another story.

A few weeks ago, Mom made her usual call to Alice on Thursday evening to check on fish Friday and Alice did not answer. So, Mom called Alice’s daughter-in-law and was told Alice was in the hospital, suffering from shortness of breath. I ask Mom what the treatment was and she said, “they gave her a colostomy” and I said “Mom, are you sure? That doesn’t sound like treatment for a breathing problem.” The Mom says, “Oh, what’s that other thing that sounds like that” and I responded with “a colonoscopy?” Mom says yes and again I said I didn’t think that made any sense either.

Now, Mom is impatient with me for questioning her and she says,” Hell, I don’t know, maybe she breathes out her ass.” I laughed so hard I cried.

The story goes on – Alice is released from the hospital and proceeds to break her toe. Mom is trying to reach her and calls her cell phone. Alice, (who is 86) has a voicemail recording that says, “This is Alice, I am at the Irish Pub, LEAVE ME ALONE!

So, Mom is now hanging out with a friend that shares her great sense of humor. How much more can you ask for at 85 years of age? May we all be so blessed!

Mom and the Wine and More

I recently returned to Cincinnati to both visit my friends and attend two baby showers for Stephanie (Baby Jackson is due very soon) – but before I got to Cincinnati I stopped to see Mom.

Mom was SO excited – you see my brother John, (her favorite child, which she actually does acknowledge) was going to be inducted into the Lorain Sports Hall of Fame. So when I arrived Mom was all involved in getting ready for the big visit. John and his wonderful wife Sherry were coming from Arizona, my brother Bill from Texas and our younger brother Mike and his wife from Florida.

Oh was Mom was in a tizzy, planning meals and entertainment and mostly thinking about the new BIG SCREEN TV her boys were going to help her get and set up. She was glad to see me, primarily because I would take her to the grocery store and help her carry all the groceries she needed to buy, then load the car and take them home and put them away. We are talking the non-perishables, like BEER and WINE and after a stop at the liquor store, some good bourbon too.

Now, here is the funny part of the story. Mom said John had called and told her that Sherry (OK – her name is really Shelly but we call her Sherry) liked white wine, in particular something Mom wrote down as PEANUT GRINGO. This cracked me up, since what she really meant was Pinot Grigio. So we did manage to get the right thing I think. Apparently the induction ceremony was a huge success, Mom said she looked so nice and my three brothers were the most handsome men in the room. Hmmm…Mom is already deaf, but I had no idea she was losing her eyesight too! Anyway, the 50” giant TV is in place, she is thrilled and there you go. Mom had a great few days with her boys and she is still smiling about it. I am not sure my sister and I were even invited!!

Oh – I forgot. Mom and I went to Michael Simon’s new restaurant (he is a Food Network personality) that just opened nearby. We had a lovely dinner that included his famous deep-fried brussel sprouts!

Mom's Busy Week

As if turning 85 a few weeks ago wasn’t enough, Mom’s social calendar is packed again this week. As always in our family, every event revolves around FOOD.

Monday: I assume Mom stayed home to rest since she knew the rest of the week was booked so nothing to report.

Tuesday: Mom’s work friends from 25+ years ago meet once a month for lunch. Today it was at one of their favorites “Olive Garden.” Mom loves this place because she says their lasagna is terrific and the portion is huge. Of course Mom is tiny and can only eat a small bit but the rest comes home for another meal, although usually leftovers sit in her fridge for a week or longer (this is a conservative estimate) and then always get pitched. I think she did have some for dinner.

Wednesday: Mom belongs to two churches and she is in a group called “The Sisterhood” at the Macedonian church. The group had 50-60 members when I was growing up but now has about 10. For the members' birthdays they all go out to lunch to celebrate. So, Wednesday was Mom’s birthday luncheon and she chose “Red Lobster.” She was going to choose “Olive Garden” again but even she knew that was lasagna overkill. She ordered the jumbo, deep fried, breaded shrimp, which comes with 12 shrimp. This is so funny since she can probably only eat about 3 or 4. She also ordered the loaded baked potato and had a few of the cheddar biscuits. BUT, never fear because Mom’s friend Olga belongs to “The Sisterhood” and she lives with her brother Bobo and her favorite thing is to take home leftovers. So she took home Mom’s shrimp and the rest of the biscuits. Apparently none of these people have anything resembling a cholesterol problem.

Thursday: Senior day at the other church, St. Mary’s. Lunch last year was $2 and this year has been raised to $5 which is keeping some of the seniors away. I can’t believe you can buy a lunch anywhere for $5 let alone $2. The menu included swiss steak with mushrooms, canned corn and canned beans and of course rolls with butter. Mom said it was all very good. The entertainment was an Irish dancer.

Friday: Each Friday Mom goes “for her hair” then to the Slovak Home for the wait wait, you guessed it...THE FISH FRY WITH FRIES. She picks up her friend Alice and they go for the perch and coleslaw and fries. And of course, rye bread with butter.

Saturday; Mom is going to St. Mary’s St. Patrick’s Day dinner. Corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots and ROLLS WITH BUTTER and green beer. She will then get the chance to do her favorite thing besides eating – dancing!!

Top of the morning to you, Mom and may the luck of the Irish bring you another healthy year.

Milestone Mom Turns 85

My wonderful Mom turned 85 last week and I wanted to write a blog about her birthday. After mulling it over I decided to share a few small stories with you.

Mom had 5 children and each morning she would wake us all up in the most gentle manner – she would rub my forehead softly and whisper “Dolly, honey, wake up now”. (Mom has called me Dolly my whole life and is still doing it). Even as a small child I knew how special this was and continued it with my own children, waking them each day in a gentle manner.

Mom could take a giant Hershey’s candy bar and break it into five completely equal pieces and no matter how competitively we all examined it, it was always equal.

When I was named to the Homecoming Court in high school, Mom took me to buy a dress at the grandest shop in our town – “The Style Center” and even though the salesclerks were snooty to us, Mom rallied and bought me the most beautiful cream and green crepe dress which I still have today. I will never forget how proud she was of me that day and how happy I was in my beautiful dress.

On my wedding day, I returned home from helping to decorate the hall and Mom was in the living room ironing my wedding veil and softly crying. She was so happy for me and so emotional.

Mom loves to dance and nothing made her happier than a big ethnic party at the Greek Orthodox/Macedonian church. Mom would lead the dancers, waving a hanky in the air just as she did at my daughter’s wedding two years ago. Each time I see the video I smile broadly – my 83 year old mother dancing all night, waving her hanky in her pretty pink gown.

My mom loves what she calls her “scandal sheets” – the “National Enquirer” etc. and she never misses “Entertainment Tonight” either. She really does know all the famous gossip and love to share it. I swear that show “The Bachelor” makes her so happy she can hardly stand it, although she is NOT a fan of the recent Vienna choice. Mom also gets three newspapers a day along with countless magazines – my sister calls her house “The Library of Congress” and it truly is. When I visit Mom I don’t even bother to bring a book, she has so much there for me to read.

Mom’s social life is amazing. Each week of the month brings “dates” – the senior luncheon, bingo at The Moose, lunch with the girls she worked with 40 years ago – they call themselves the “J and F Cuties,” and she actually meets once a month with her HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS. They celebrated their 65th reunion two years ago and of course Mom was on the committee. She goes “for her hair” each Friday and to church along with countless church events as well as to a weekly fish fry at the Slovak Home. She also goes to The Moose on Sundays in the fall to cheer on the Cleveland Browns. I am not actually even sure they are still called The Browns.

I know, as well as do my brothers and sister that we are truly blessed to still have such a healthy active mother. She is very funny, even when she isn’t trying to be and always, always interested in the life around her. Love you, Mom, you’re the best!

A Good Egg

I have loved the requests for more “MOM” stories which makes me know you are reading and enjoying them. Here is the latest:

First, an update on Mom and the pacemaker – she does not need one and she has been declaring to anyone who will listen that she knew she was right all along!!

Her latest medical adventure (after the doctor admitted no pacemaker was necessary), involved a test on her carotid artery. Mom was convinced the doctor was just looking for something to be wrong but she went along with it all. My sister and I debated on whether I should go home but Mom asked her elderly friends at “The Moose Hall” and they convinced her that she could take care of this herself. Her friends are now all so old, they feel they have multiple medical degrees and all the right info. They surely do know every test and how it goes and Mom is a BELIEVER.

So, Mom went to the test alone. She was concerned about her hearing aids getting in the way, but the technician assured her she was fine and admonished her to “Please stop talking”. Mom said they put some gel like substance on her neck and used a tool to “scan” both sides. Pretty anti-climatic if you ask me. She came away without any results, but that is typical I guess.

Anyway 2-3 weeks later she had not heard anything from the cardiologist about the test results, but she had an appointment with her internist. Of course, HE had the test results and this ticked off Mom. Why did they let him know and not her? Of course, no answer to that, but she did have good news.

Mom actually called me (this is a very, very rare occurrence and usually involves a death notice about another elderly relative or friend) so when I saw her name on the caller ID I was a bit concerned. But, not to worry – mom was actually very excited about the news she received. The doctor told her she would live to be 99 and all her vital signs were excellent. Her only regret was that if she only lives to be 99, she won’t make it on the Today Show’s list of birthdays. Bummer.

Now, to the title of this story - when I was growing up my Mom always referred to a really good, nice person as a “good egg.” My Mom will be 85 in early March and if there is one thing I know to be true, it is that Mom is one GOOD EGG!

Yum! Cherry Pie

When I was growing up my dad worked for a large furniture store in our hometown. Each year in celebration of George Washington’s birthday (this was LONG before President’s Day was a reality) the store would hire someone to dress up like President Washington complete with the axe that cut down the cherry tree.

My mom would dress all 5 of us in our church-best clothing and we would go to Reidy-Scanlen for a family photo. We knew if we behaved (almost an impossible task for 4 kids only a year apart) there would be a cherry pie waiting for us at home. Mom always made a cherry pie for George Washington’s birthday. So despite the antics of Billy and John, (Mike and I were totally good and sweet and Bonnie was an adorable baby), we always managed to get through the photo shoot and then home for the pie.

Here is Mom’s cherry pie recipe along with a photo. I would be showing you a photo of a whole pie, but before I could take the picture my husband got into it! So, I figured one slice was better than nothing!


Mom's Cheery Cherry Pie

2 cans pitted tart cherries, drained, but save the juice
1 c. sugar
2 tbs. quick-cooking tapioca
7 drops red food coloring (more if you want it really really red)
2 drops almond extract (optional, don’t go and buy a whole bottle if you don’t have it)
Butter

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Mix all ingredients together with ¾ c. cherry juice. Let stand in bowl for 20 minutes.

Line a pie plate with an uncooked pie crust - either homemade or those easy Pillsbury ones in the refrigerator section. You need dough for two crusts so you can make that pretty lattice weave on top that ALL cherry pies have.

Pour cherry mixture into crust. Dot with about 4 tablespoons butter. Cut the second crust or dough into long narrow strips and weave them in a lattice pattern on top of the pie. You can brush the strips with a beaten egg for a glossy look like on the Food Network, but I hardly ever do this.

Bake in center of oven for 55 minutes. Pie is done when bubbly even in center. Serve with vanilla ice cream. YUM!

*Becky Knows Everything: I always put a cookie sheet on the bottom oven rack because fruit pies can be very juicy and bubble over sometimes.

Mom and the Monitor

Last week my 84 year old mom went for a regular checkup and while her blood pressure was fine, the doctor felt her heart was beating a bit too fast. He recommended she wear a heart monitor for a day so he could figure out whether or not she needed a pacemaker. I know this is not typically a funny subject, but with Mom there is always some humor somewhere.

So Mom had the monitor put on today. I called to see how she was doing and she was so funny. First she complained she had wires coming out everywhere and then she complained that a nurse practitioner had taken care of her, not the “REAL” doctor. Anyway, she said she was given a report she was to fill in, documenting her day and whatever she was doing. She said she even had to record bathroom trips which she found very intrusive.

I asked her what she had written down and it was all the normal stuff – washing dishes, making dinner etc. So, I told her to spice things up. I figured she could entertain the doctor and his staff. Here’s what we came up with:

9:00a.m. While taking out the garbage, decided to wash the car, wax it and put the snow tires on.

10:00a.m. Mailman comes to door with package – invited him in for sex and cookies.

12:00p.m. Climbed up on roof to fix a stray shingle. While up there, decided to clean gutters, too.

1:00p.m. Took a jog downtown (4miles), had 3 donuts and jogged home.

3:00p.m. Plumber comes to fix the faucet – he is really cute (looks like Dean Martin which to Mom is FAB), had sex with him too.

5:00p.m. Quick trip to Victoria’s Secret at the mall – no secret here. Bought some new lingerie since the guy that shovels my snow (Vern) will be coming soon.

8:00p.m. Watched finale of “Dancing With The Stars”-very happy Donny Osmond won.

Well you get the idea. Hopefully Mom will be OK and will keep on being the wonderful Mom she has always been. Who knew she was so racy???

Happy Birthday Mom

In our family, my sister Bonnie and I have a tradition concerning Mom’s birthday. For the past 20 plus years we each give her 6 small presents on her birthday so she has a gift to open each month all year. Now, like anything else, the gifts and their value go up and down with our finances, time constraints, etc. We try to take advantage of seasonal sales and we alternate months. Well, of course, after 20 some years Mom has a zillion holiday pins, dish towels and apparently (if you read the blog on a regular basis) a ton of knee highs.

We have had a lot of fun along the way. One year I gave her a pajama top for April and Bonnie gave her the bottoms in May – took Mom the entire month to get the joke. Another time for my 6 months I gave her 6 white tops since that is pretty much all she likes to wear. She never did catch on to that one! It is so cute – she piles the gifts on a chair in her bedroom and the first of each month she unwraps a gift. She even has her beautician (I’m pretty sure they aren’t called stylists in Lorain, OH) asking her what the gift was every month.

Anyway, this particular year I am on a tight budget so I decided to get creative and make her a gift! I went to Michaels (that crazy, gigantic craft place) and I purchased a pair of hot pink flip flops for 99 cents! (I know what you are thinking – who gives an 84 year old woman a pair of flip flops, but Mom is steady on her feet). I also bought a small roll of polka dot grosgrain ribbon. I knew I had some other supplies from previous projects.

First, I hot glued a length of ribbon to each plastic strap. I glued an artificial flower (get small ones with flat backs) over the raw edge. I made small bows (7 for each foot) and glued one in the center and 3 spaced evenly on the side. Then, I added flowers and individual pearls for fun. Be sure to pull off the glue strands as you go since they accumulate quickly. Pretty soon the straps were totally covered and I was so excited I went back to Michaels and bought 3 more pair – for Bonnie and my daughter and me! I WAS IN A FLIP FLOP FRENZY!!

Knee High Heaven

I have had a few readers write in and request a new story about my 84 year old mom. I can only assume it’s because we all have someone like her in our lives and frankly, she is quite entertaining and since it is Mother’s Day, here goes:

My mom has a few things she LOVES to do. One is to go to Las Vegas or any other casino for that matter, and the other is to go to bingo. (See a theme here? I believe it’s called gambling). She loves warm weather, “Grey’s Anatomy” and pork chops. She also loves knee high hose. Don’t bother trying to figure out if these topics are related because they’re not. Other than that she always has on knee highs, in Vegas or just walking around town.

Last week she told me she was going to clean out her bedroom dresser. This dresser contains about 50 years worth of old makeup samples, costume jewelry, bobby pins and hankies. It was also her favorite place to hide candy from us kids when we were young and I suspect there may still be a box of Russell Stover’s chocolates living there. Her bottom drawer holds her vast pantyhose/knee high collection. And I do mean vast. When she is finished reorganizing the knee highs by color (cream, white, tan, black and grey) and throwing out the ones with “runners,” she calls me. She wants me to guess how many pairs of knee high hose she owns – and she is careful to mention the count does not include the new, unopened pairs. I guess 30 pair and my sister guesses 20. Boy, were we ever wrong.

MY MOM HAS 135 PAIRS OF KNEE HIGH’S. So, if any of you are going to be traveling to Northern Ohio in the near future and you wear knee high’s, bring your own, since all the local ones are in my mom’s bottom drawer.

*Becky Knows Everything: To all the mom’s out there, have a wonderful day and remember to treasure the mom you have.